I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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