Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
