Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
