Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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