Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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