So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
