Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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