Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
