guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
