I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
