This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
he was CRYING into my vagina
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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