his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I love having hate sex.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
