When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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