Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
