im about as happy as oj after his trial
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
