He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
