it's too hot outside to masturbate.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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