can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
