My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
