oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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