I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
