The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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