You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
