what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
