someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
