As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
