i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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