after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
