He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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