Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
