So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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