my mouth tastes like poor choices
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I didn't notice because vodka
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
