But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
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I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
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Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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