i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
