They should really pass out barf bags in church
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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