Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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