I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
