So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
