Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
