How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
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