Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
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you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
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He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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