this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
