he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
