She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
