Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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