So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
