There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
