Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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