Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
