he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
