apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
tequila makes me forget i have legs
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
