I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
