My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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