i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
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