The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
