he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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