I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Randomize
