I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
