I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
