I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
