I faked an abortion last night.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
