When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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